It's 5 a.m. and I'm still up with a horrible stomach ache. This sucks. Maybe I ate something weird? I had half a burger for lunch, a sandwich for dinner and some crackers n cheese when I got munchy. What the heck? It's not like I had anything too crazy or greasy... though the burger was the Mecca of all burgers and Chilli’s should really be patting themselves on the back for a job well done.

Go away horrid stomach ache! I would like to go to sleep now, so you need to stop with the gurgling noises and the pains.

Thanks.

Oh... revelation has just arrived. Too much dairy. Frick. This is going to be a loooong night.

Stupid dairy and your deliciousness. I hate you. Especially you, cheese! Why must you taste so good on everything?

Ok, so stupid Meg/ dairy recap for the day:

Burger: cheese

Sandwich: cheese

Matt’s Milkshake: milk (duh! But it looked yummy so I had to help him drink it)

Snack: cheese

I’m an idiot. Sad thing is that this probably won’t deter me from eating dairy products even though I’m mildly lactose intolerant. Love Silk, but I also love my cheese!

Plus, how could I do my Wallace and Gromit imitation without cheese?

“Tofu, Gromit!” *shakes hands*

Just not the same.

January 27, 2007

When it comes to mental health I’m not generally the sanest of them all. My family has a history of schizophrenia and almost every member of my family has problems with either depression or anxiety. At 18 or 19 I began taking Cymbalta to “take care” of my depression or whatever it was I was going through. The first 2 weeks were absolute hell, and once my body got adjusted my life felt monotone. I was never really happy, never really sad, but always within an inch or two of feeling a real emotion. I hated it, so I stopped taking it. After all, it didn’t help me curb my thought of suicide nor did it prevent me from cutting myself, so I felt it did nothing for me. Cymbalta started my love affair with crazy meds. I’ve probably tried 4 or 5 different kinds now, but I never quite seem to find something that really fits my needs. My symptoms seem to change drastically, which could be part of the problem. In high school I showed signs of borderline personality disorder, bi polar disorder and general narcissism. I would be so funny and friendly around people, but once I was alone in my bedroom I would cry all night and feel like I had this raging ball of anger in me. This “ball” has come in many forms like sadness, frustration and anger, but I can never quite describe what it is. It’s like a pressure that builds in my chest and travels through my body inflating me like a balloon until I think I am going to burst. I hate this. Once I begin to feel this way I know there is absolutely no way to stop it and I have to just let it play out.

Once out of high school I moved to be closer to Matthew and after dating for 8 months or so caught me cutting myself and abruptly made me stop. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it worked. Yes, I still want to cut, but I don’t. It’s that simple. Same with suicide. I still think about it periodically when I’m dealing with my “ball” but it’s much more infrequently and I haven’t tried to act upon it in a long time. My symptoms now are more along the lines of anxiety, almost to the point of being debilitating. For instance, knowing that tomorrow I have to go find 4 new classrooms, make new friends, take on a new course load and go through the whole first day of school process is freaking me out. Not to mention being assigned a new patient, going through the process of getting to know them, being assigned new classes to tutor for and getting to know the students. Normally, I just wouldn’t go. Seriously, no joke, about year ago I would just not go places because I was so freaked out for absolutely no reason. How insane is that?

Up until about 2 weeks ago I was taking Paxil for my anxiety, and it worked, but I still felt like I was missing apart of me. And then today it hit me, the part of me that was missing. Genuine grief and how to express it. I don’t think I’ve cried in a long time, but today I sat in my empty tub and cried for a good 20 minutes. What did I cry about? Well, on the surface it was that I felt completely invisible, my landlords and my anxiety about school. Than I realized it was a whole lot more. There were many things I never really grieved. I never grieved the passing of my grandfather last summer, I never grieved the loss of my father and I never let out the stress and fear I felt when I went through my testing a few months back. I had kept all of that inside until today when I let it all out.

Sure, I may be the crazy lady sitting in an empty tub sobbing about ridiculous things, but I’m also the lady who feels something and that’s not something many people can say. I’m not condoning stopping your crazy meds, and I am sure that I’ll try out another prescription sometime soon, but sometimes I wonder what we’re all afraid of feeling. What are we hiding from? I’ve had the shittiest end of the stick and yet I can’t help but feel it could be so much worse. Actually, the times when I struggled the hardest were the times when I had the most fun. So what are we afraid of? Are we afraid of being angry, annoyed, afraid? What’s really wrong with being any of those?

I guess more than anything else, this is my reminder letter that I should allow myself to feel from time to time, even if what I’m feeling is grief. After all, when you block out one emotion you dull the rest.

January 26, 2008

In HS I hung out with a lot of guys. I was a serial dater and quite popular with the boys, so a lot of girls were bitches to me. I think I only had a few “best gal friends” throughout high school, but many aquantances. The main "best friend" was a year older than me and was my doppelganger. She didn’t put up with anyone’s crap, she looked sweet and innocent but was a deviate, and I could be exactly who I am with her. She has a twin sister, who flirted with me like crazy, which I kind of enjoyed, and two older sisters, only one of which I really knew. The family became my home away from home and I loved all of them. I had some good laughs with them, did some hard partying, did some crying and really grew up with them. Luckily, they were all apart of my group of guys and together we all had a blast. I think there were 10 or 12 of us total and we would get together on rainy days and play mud football, take each other to prom and spent a lot of time with each other. I was really bummed out when they all graduated and our group disappeared as each person went off to do their separate things.

After that I started hanging out with a girl named Amy. She said exactly what she thought, which didn’t make her very popular, but she always had fun, which was something I admired. I was friends with her older brother and met her once at a grocery store where she promptly followed me around for the rest of the shopping trip. That was it, I was stuck with Amy and she was a blast. She was one of those people who made you feel drunk with laughter all the time and would go along with any crazy plan you had. Things got rough when my boyfriends started hating her as Amy was a fulltime friend and needed a lot of time and attention, and I think one even tried to hit her with his car… boys get angry when they get cock-blocked.

I’m not really friends with Amy anymore, but we periodically AIM and chat about our lives and how different things are, but that’s as far as it goes. As for the guy friends, I talk to them all of the time even though we haven’t seen each other in 4 years. I think the thing to do is find people who are interested in things you are interested in. I got lucky and found all my friends my first day of Freshman year when I was introduced to the band as the newest color guard member. They found me then, and we’ve loved each other since.

High school is a fun, but short ride, far too short to spend it with people who make you miserable. And honestly Natalie, life seems to be even shorter. Go find people who make you laugh until you cry.

January 25, 2008

So I made it home safely, thank goodness, but I must say that there is no such thing as a gentleman anymore. For example, while boarding the plane, the gentleman next to me refused to help me put my bag in the overhead compartment. As I’ve said before, I’m 5’2”, so the compartments are at best eye level for me, but not to the point where I could reach the back and/or move things around appropriately. Whatever. I held the bag in-between my feet. Then when we landed, the same guy (a grown man) stood up and completely blocked me from any sort of movement. WTF? We’ve landed, we wont be able to leave the plane for another 5 minutes, and you’ve decided that you should not only stand, but sandwich me into my seat so I cannot move at all. Then, when we could leave the plane, 8 different men passed by and not one let me get up from my seat to exit. I had to sit and wait to find an opening and pray I didn’t get trampled by the passengers barreling down the isle. Am I the only one who lets people in ahead of me? What ever happened to planes emptying from front to back? Whatever.

Natalie, if you want me to write about HS I’m going to need specific questions or an idea of what you want to know. 4 years is a lot of information to paraphrase.

Anyway, so I am home and back in my oh-so-sweet bed with my darling boyfriend who is doing his best to annoy me to death. LOL… it cracks me up how comfortable we get being alone and how all our annoying habits take over so that when we are back in a social situation, we are total obnoxious freaks. Matt likes to speak in a horrible accent that makes me want to pull my hair out. I’m not sure why, but it does, so I was slightly annoyed when he insisted on speaking in the accent for 20 minutes. Maybe it’s because I can’t understand a damn word he says, thus making it 20 minutes of noise that he’ll have to repeat for me to understand. Oh well, I’m sure I have some annoying habits also…

It’s raining here and I’m hungry. I need to go grocery shopping as the only items we have in our household are “matt items” i.e. absolutely nothing healthy nor anything a girl would want to consume. That boy eats so much junk food! Ridiculous. Anyway, it’s raining and I don’t want to haul groceries into my condo in the rain as I am prone to falling on our cement stairs when they are wet and I’m being a pack mule. Maybe I’ll wait until Matt’s home and he can help. In the mean time I need to do laundry, unpack, get things ready for school, dye my hair and generally lose my mind.

Adios!

January 22, 2008

Today was a pretty decent day. Mom and I went to the movies to see Juno, which is such an amazing movie that I’ve seen it twice. I don’t think I know of anyone who doesn’t like that movie as it is absolutely marvelous. Afterwards we are walking out when we see a sign for The Bucket List, which was starting in 20 minutes. We decided to be daring and bunny hop. I’m a more of a rule follower, so this was a big deal for me. I, Meg of Megspeak, watched a movie without paying. Even better, I loved every moment of it and didn’t even stress out about it.
Go Me!

Yesterday my mom and I went to Thunder Valley Casino to have another day of birthday celebration. I went in with the knowledge that I would lose $100, so I didn’t stress at all about gambling. First thing I did was find a good $10 min Black Jack table that wasn’t too full and made myself comfortable. I had a total blast, had a really funny dealer, and spent 3 hours at the table, which was amazing for me as I’ve only gambled once before. I had such a blast that a bunch of people kept coming to my table saying they wanted to play with me as I seemed to be having so much fun. I’m a strong believer in laughing while I lose my money.

Afterwards mom and I had a couple of drinks at the bar and then went to a killer restaurant that made the world’s best steak. I don’t think I will ever have a steak better than the one I had last night. Afterwards, we went home and I tried to fall asleep early as my sleep schedule has been totally messed up. I fell asleep around 9, but awoke at 11 and couldn’t fall back to sleep until a little after 4 a.m.

I WANT TO SLEEP!

In other news: I leave tomorrow and head back home. I’m so excited about sleeping in my own bed, but at the same time, going home means I have to get my ass in gear to take a heavy course load, take on a new patient and choose which teachers to tutor for. I don’t want to be an adult!

Lastly, I’ve decided that I am going to save every penny I own to pay for a trip to Europe. I’ve never been out of the country, and I’ve never even been to Hawaii, Mexico or Canada, so I think I need to do something crazy before getting married, graduating and having babies. I think I’m going to get my wonderful friend, Jill, to come with me for a two week guided tour throughout Europe. I’m going to pray that I can save up enough cash by then, but I’m one of those people who do whatever I put my mind to.

Heath Ledger found dead in NYC apartment

Oscar-nominated actor reportedly discovered in Mary-Kate Olsen's home

According to the New York Times, Ledger was found naked and unconscious with pills strewn all around him in an apartment owned by actress Mary-Kate Olsen. Police sources told the Times that the death appeared to be a suicide.

NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said Ledger had an appointment for a massage at the apartment. The housekeeper, who went to let Ledger know the masseuse was there, found him unconscious at approximately 3:30 p.m. ET, according to the New York Times. After receiving no response from the actor after shaking him, they called authorities.

“We are investigating the possibility of an overdose,” Browne said. “There were pills within the vicinity of the bed.”

The Australian-born actor was nominated for an Oscar for “Brokeback Mountain,” where he met actress Michelle Williams, in 2005. Ledger and Williams had lived in Brooklyn with their 2-year-old daughter, Matilda, until they split up last year.

Ledger was to appear as the Joker this year in “The Dark Knight,” a sequel to 2005’s “Batman Begins.” He’s had starring roles in “A Knight’s Tale” and “The Patriot,” and played the suicidal son of Billy Bob Thornton in “Monster’s Ball.”

Ledger grew up in Perth, and began doing amateur theater at age 10. At 16, he moved to Sydney to pursue an acting career, quickly landing TV movie roles and guest spots on Australian television.

After several independent films and a starring role in the short-lived Fox TV series “Roar,” Ledger moved to Los Angeles and costarred in “10 Things I Hate About You,” a teen comedy reworking of “The Taming of the Shrew.”

Offers for other teen flicks came his way, but Ledger turned them down, preferring to remain idle than sign on for projects he didn’t like.

“It wasn’t a hard decision for me,” Ledger told the Associated Press in 2001. “It was hard for everyone else around me to understand. Agents were like, ‘You’re crazy,’ my parents were like, ‘Come on, you have to eat.”’

His latest role was in “I’m Not There,” in which he played one of the many incarnations of Bob Dylan — as did Cate Blanchett, whose performance in that film earned an Oscar nomination Tuesday for best supporting actress.

January 20, 2008… Again

Mom and I went shopping today at Target, which was awesome as I don’t have one back home. After that we went to the grocery store to pick up stuff to make dinner with and headed home. Once we got there, she and I began to unload the groceries when stepdad becomes pissy and shuts the door on me, and then after that walked right on my even though I was struggling to get the groceries on the counter as my bags were ripping. When mom said something to him he yelled that he was “busy” and couldn’t “fucking do everything”. Nice. Anyway, this lead into a fight between the two of them about how he is being an asshole and a martyr instead of being apologetic for the bruise on her back and his horrid attitude. He started screaming back and I lost it. I walked over to him and began to yell, which is something I have never done before. I’m a pretty non-confrontational person, so it’s a big deal for me to yell, especially at an adult. I began to yell about how pissed I am that I’ve done nothing but defend him to my mom and in return he’s done nothing but make me look like a fool. He screamed at me for being a bitch and ganging up on him, and then threatened to hurt mom because she took a step towards him. I let him know that if he touches her, I will make him pay. They had it out for a while and then the screaming stopped. He’s acted like a dick to me for the past hour because I defended my mom, and I told him that I didn’t care if he thought I was a bitch and that if “anyone had ever shoved your mother, for any reason, you would do anything to protect her. If you had to comfort your mother as she sobbed on the ground, than you can bet you would be far more furious than I am. I may be acting like a bitch in your eyes, but really I’m just being a good daughter. As far as I am concerned, I will not leave you alone with her at any point while I am here, and if you touch her again you will fucking pay.”

Okay, so I’m 5’2” and he’s a formerly military trained man, but you can bet your ass I would do anything to protect my mom, no matter the consequences. She’s all I have and I’m not going to let some asshole mess with her. I may hit like a girl, but I know where to hit where it hurts. Asshole.

In other news, Nat, you’re right. I’m not going to call my dad. Screw him, screw stepdad, who needs them? I am so over men trying to control women by mentally and physically breaking them down. How pathetic are they that they have to physically or emotionally abuse women just to feel better about themselves? Oh, and the moment when I laughed my ass off; stepdad told mom he’ll call the cops on her because she hit him in the arm. How pathetically sad is that? I can imagine the conversation going like this: “Police, my wife hit me in the arm! Come arrest her, but please disregard the fact that I almost broke her back and gave her whiplash. She’s out of control!” Bahahahahahaha. Sad, sad little man.

Anyway, we totally know where he gets it as stepdad's father once cornered my mom, yelled at her and then threatened her. And then stepdad defended him. Dicks. They may have money, but they have zero class.

January 20, 2008

So it is 4:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I’m not even close to being tired, which is a major bummer. Honestly, I have a lot of things on my mind between my dad, my stepdad, the possible dead dog in the pool, this next semester, etc. I’m a mess of stress, which is the typical Meg way to be. My dad Dave called me on my birthday, which is an odd change of pace as I never know whether or not he will forget my birthday. He called me while I was sleeping, so I had reason not to pick up, but I don’t know whether I should call him to acknowledge that he called or if it is completely unnecessary as I let him know that I don’t want a relationship with him as he is too unstable, and a father calling his daughter to wish her a happy birthday is a generally accepted practice and does not require acknowledgement. Where do I stand on this? I am generally a pleaser and want to do whatever I can to make others happy, but for once I am doing what is best for me regardless of how it affects others, so I’m a little lost as to what role I play.  It’s funny; you can always tell how I am feeling by looking at my itunes play list. I tend to listen to songs that make me feel whatever I need to feel, and I play them on continuous loops. For instance, I’ve been listening to Ingrid Michaelson’s album Girls and Boys pretty much nonstop for the past 3 weeks. At first I was obsessed with her song The Way I Am which is an odd love song that includes giving someone her jacket and buying them Rogaine because they take her just as she is. That’s love, really. I like her because she actually sings about real things like love being buying your balding husband Rogaine and getting him aspirin when he has a headache. I love this song as I believe that love is an everyday struggle and in the end only the little things count. Anyway, I’m now listening (at this moment) to her song Die Alone, which again I love because on some levels I identify with what she is saying. The chorus is “I never thought I could love anyone but myself. Now I know I can’t love anyone but you. You make me think that maybe I won’t die alone.” Who hasn’t at some point in their lives thought that they could possibly turn out to be a crazy cat lady? Or perhaps you’ve thought that you are unlovable. Iono… just a thought, but I think many more people can identify with her than just me, and she also has a different sound than the bubble gum/ hip hop sounds of today. She’s kind of indy and I’m digging it.

Anyway, I’m sure I will be sick of her music in a week or two or however long it takes me to move out of this funk, but until then I think you should listen to her also. Let’s appreciate the small things in life, if only for a moment.

Well, it’s almost 5 a.m. so perhaps I’ll give this whole sleep thing a shot. I must say though, I have thoroughly enjoyed the movies I watched while not being able to sleep. There’s nothing like a heartwarming movie like Last Holiday to remind you to enjoy every day, and nothing like a cynical movie like Thank You For Smoking to just make you want to say whatever comes to your mind at any given point.

OK bed, here I come!

January 19, 2007

So today was a pretty good day. Stepdad spent all day being really sweet to mom, which is a step up. She is doing fine and milking it for all it’s worth. I think she’s reserving the right to make a decision at a later time, which I think is smart. Make a decision with a clear mind.

I went to dinner tonight with mom and stepdad and we had a lot of fun. I had a ridiculously delicious steak with french-fries, and a yummy glass of red wine with the ‘rents, and it was really nice to go out together. Then we did something crazy. We went to see a movie. I’ve known my stepdad for 8 years and in that time I can only recall going to the movies with him once. He’s not a crowds kind of guy, so it was a huge deal for him to take us to the movies. Even bigger deal: we went to a chick flick. Now, I’m the kind of girl who loves guy movies (I can’t wait to see cloverfield) but from time to time there’s nothing like a good chick flick and 27 Dresses was good. It was MUCH better than I thought it would be and I actually enjoyed myself even though I hate Katherine Heigel. Anyway, cute movie, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

Another thought: wtf writers? Don’t you know I need my television? I’m having withdrawals here. The more time you make me wait for a new episode of The Big Bang, the less I side with you. Just a thought.

I miss home! It’s been over a month and I miss my bed, I miss my Matt, and I miss kisses. Ha! I said it. I miss my boyfriend… just don’t tell him that. Can’t have him thinking I like him, now can I?

Mmmmmmmm Corn Nuts. The Mecca of deliciously crunchy junk food. I love you Corn Nuts, thank you for existing.

I’ve been missing for a few days, and though I am sorry I haven’t been here, I have reasons that leave me feeling less apologetic. First, there is a serious issue that I want to talk about. If you, or someone you know, is a victim of abuse please seek help. Tonight was a traumatic night at my mom’s house. I was in my bedroom talking to Matt, when stepdad knocks on my door asking me to get off the phone and help my mom. He tells me that they were fighting when she hit him, so he pushed her and she fell and hurt her back. I hung up the phone and ran into my mom’s room where I saw her lying on the floor sobbing. Apparently instead of just “pushing her” step dad shoved her hard enough that she slammed her back into a chest 7 feet from where they stood. Initially I was worried that he had broken her back, but it turned out to only be bruised, though she feels like she has whiplash in her neck. After lying on the ground for 15 minutes with an icepack on her back, I got her up and into bed where she could be more comfortable. Once she felt composed she went to look for stepdad to talk about what happened and to get the apology she deserved. He told her it was her fault that he pushed her, and after an hour and a half of fighting, he admitted that he shouldn’t have shoved her, even if she provoked him.

I must admit that my mom may have provoked my stepdad, but there is NEVER a reason for a man to put his hands on a woman while angry. No matter how hard a woman hits a man, he will always be able to hit her much harder. Never hit a woman, never push a woman, and while you are angry, it is best to avoid any kind of physical contact. I don’t care if she deserves it or not, NEVER hurt a woman. Just don’t. We’re going to wait and she how she is in the morning and decide whether or not action needs to be taken then. Normally I would suggest calling the police immediately, but stepdad has never (that I know of) hurt my mother before and I let her decide what she wanted to do. I have a phone and a gun sitting beside her on her nightstand and I told her to use either or both if she needs to. Am I condoning shooting him? If he touches her again, I’d do it myself, so I suppose I am. There is nothing more heartbreaking than comforting your mother as she sobs on the floor unable to move because her husband can’t control his temper.

MOVING ON

Yesterday was my birthday and we all had a blast. We invited some family friends over and 5 of us girls drank 9 bottles of wine. We went a little crazy, but it felt great to let loose. I rarely ever drink wine, so I was pretty plastered rather quickly, but still drank my little heart out. My liver seemed to be bored, so I gave it something to do. I actually don’t drink that often, so I was surprised that I drank so much. Oh well.

Earlier in the day mom and I went to sushi with a friend of hers who I’ve been dying to meet. She ended up being a total blast and we had a great time. I like to harass/ flirt with any and all employees (grocers, waiters, whomever) as I know how boring a job can be, so I like to spice it up a little. Also, everyone loves being flirted with as no matter what, you always feel good about yourself after, so why shouldn’t I boost a few egos? It is my duty. Oh, by the way, my sushi was killer! They have this lunch special where you get ½ of any two rolls, a salad and miso for like, 7 bucks. Stellar deal. I was a little bummed that the miso wasn’t that great as I love miso soup, but my rolls were awesome and totally hit the spot.

That night my mom made her famous spaghetti and meatballs and than we had the family friends over. It was an awesome birthday, especially as I didn’t want to celebrate at all. After all, I’m past 21, so all I’m celebrating is getting closer to my car insurance being cheaper. Hooray. But really, it turned out to be an awesome birthday, which I needed as I tend to have bad birthdays. Oh, and Matt arranged for me to get a cute card on my birthday, which took major planning as I have no idea how he got the address I am at without asking my mother for it. I have such an awesome boyfriend.

Lastly, we still haven’t heard whether or not the dog in the pool survived or not. Actually, we have no idea whose dogs they were, so I’m not sure how we would find out. I suppose we’ll just keep an eye out for them as their owner doesn’t mind them running loose. Mom and I discussed getting paintball guns to shoot loose dogs in the yard. This would be a good idea for 3 reasons.

1) It would get rid of potentially rabies infected mutts from biting us.

2) It wouldn’t kill the animal, only slightly sting it.

3) The paint would let the owners know that the animal had been where it shouldn’t have been.

Don’t get me wrong, we LOVE animals, but there is nothing more frightening than having a huge stray dog on your property and you have no idea if it wants to do you harm. Also, mom lives in the middle of nowhere, so if we were hurt, it would take 20 minutes to get to a hospital. Dog mauling is frightening when nearest rabies shot and stitches are at least a half hour away.

Well, I’m off. I have nothing else to say. Hope you have a nice weekend, and I’ll try to stay on top of writing. Adios!