Meg Speak

   I’m not doing well. When I was younger I went swimming in the ocean and got dragged out by the undertow. I fought and fought to get above water, but wave after wave came crashing down on me, beating out any breath I had in my aching lungs. It felt like no matter how hard I tried, I would never resurface. That is how I feel right now. I don’t know how to get out of this. It is so frustrating. I tried talking to my mom about it, but every time I do she pretty much ignores me. I actually finally did talk to her, but from it I learned that I am a piece of shit, so what’s new there? I talk to Matt about it and he changes the subject. I feel like I am alone in this.

   So, on another note, it’s 3 am and there’s something outside my window. I’m staying at my mom’s since I moved out of Matt’s apartment (or better stated; I moved out of the apartment we shared) and there is a plethora of wildlife out here. The other night my step dad and I were sitting on the deck talking and heard some coyotes out in the distance. We could tell exactly what was happening by their calls that they made to one another. The noises they made when they caught something were bone chilling. Anyway, as I was saying, there is something outside my window at the moment. It made a noise like a mix between a woman grunting loudly and an elephant sneezing (I’m guessing, as I’ve never heard an elephant sneeze. Though, if they do sneeze, I am sure it sounds exactly like this. Or something close. Gosh that would be messy). It was seriously weird. My money is on it being a deer (if they make noises, I’m really not sure) or a fox like creature. I’m typically not bothered by weird animal noises, but I don’t really enjoy them right outside my window at 3 am. It could really be any creature, but seeing as how our lawn is littered with deer constantly and I just saw a fox yesterday, those are my guesses. Maybe it’s Pam’s ghost… Could be the noises she made when she was killed. God I just got super morbid. I’ve been watching WAY too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Though if it is Pam, the least she could do is to haunt me properly. Not this whole wheezing and sneezing thing. It is less disturbing and more phlegm than anything.

   Okay, back to the depressing. If you couldn’t tell, this has miraculously spanned across a couple of days, though I think I’ll finish it now. Well, yesterday I went to therapy to talk out my issues. I expressed my concern and frustration over the Matthew situation and she asked me to tell her about the relationship from beginning to end, so for the entire hour I mapped out our relationship; the ups and downs, the fights, my fears. I cried, of course, but sadly I didn’t stop crying for hours. I felt broken. I realized that even though Matthew loves me, it’s not enough. The truth is that he let me move out and that I’ve been moved out since February. I talked to him and basically told him that I want to move on, and he’s informed me that moving on is not an option. He refuses to accept us breaking up. He wants to fight for us. I want to know why he didn’t fight when I left. The truth is that he let me leave. He then led to us breaking up because he was all butt hurt that I moved out (because he kept leading me on) so he did all that he could to hurt me, which included totally blowing off a standing date and telling me he had been considering proposing, but I moved out, so it was no longer being considered. He was hurt, and I get that, but that is no excuse to seek retribution. He led me on until I moved out, he hurt me until we broke up, but now, when I finally decide that the best thing for me is to move on, he decides he’s going to fight for us. What kind of bullshit is that? Ugh. So fucking frustrating. I have no idea where things will go from here, but for now, I am just going to get through the semester without going insane.