Meg Speak

I’ve gotten emails asking me to describe what I was like before I became boring, so I thought I would share a story with you. Gathering around kiddies, it’s story time!

            When I was 19 I worked at a bank with a really cool woman, Alyssa. She was a few years older than me and married, so I would periodically hang out with her and her extremely hot husband. Well, one night they invited me out with them and the three of us went to this Podunk bar in the middle of nowhere. When we showed up, Alyssa and I were looking hot, and seemed to be the only women, so naturally all the men started hitting on us. Alyssa’s husband was with us, so most of them left her alone and came after me. I swear, I never once had an empty glass. As soon as one got halfway down, someone would buy me another drink. I have absolutely no clue what I was drinking, or how much, but it was enough to make the toothless men turn into Brad Pitt’s unattractive brother, which, let me tell you, was a step up. Anyway, about five drinks in (from what I am told there was at least one rum and coke, a long island iced tea and something called cosmo shooter in that mix), a couple of other women show up and immediately begin asking me to go home with them.

            Now, most of what I am about to tell you was told to me at a later time, as I recall very little about this night, so I’ve had to rely upon second hand testimony. Apparently in between singing songs on the Karaoke machine that I had no idea I knew, I was being hit on by these two women. After about half an hour of both of them playing with my hair and feeding me compliments, one of them leaned in and kissed me. Naturally, I kissed back. At that time I was a kissing whore, so if any mouth got within a few feet of mine, it was a potential kissing mate. Anyway, I’m making out with this woman when Alyssa’s husband came by and scared away the ladies. I asked him why he told them to get lost and he replied, “Megan, you were kissing that woman very passionately, which is great, but she’s like 300lbs and older than your mom.” Ick. So that was interesting. From what I am told I had a blast… that is until I became violently ill.

            On the car ride home I started feeling super sick and knew vomiting was imminent, which I told Alyssa. We pulled up to the house and she told me to go ahead and puke in the bushes, but I refused to do so until her husband was inside the house because I was too embarrassed to throw up in front of him. The moment I heard the screen door close I let out a vat of vomit on their bushes. I had never felt so good as I did when I had finished. After that I went inside I slept on their couch… or their trampoline, I’m not sure. The next morning I was beyond sick, too sick in fact to leave as I puked every few minutes and lived half an hour away. They were nice enough to let me stay while they both went to work (I felt terrible for staying) as we had no other options. After several hours of puking and praying I would die, I was ready to go home.

            When I walked outside to my car I saw the most amazing thing. The bushes were dead. No joke. A three feet radius around where I had vomited was all dead. I have no idea how that is even possible, but it was an incredible sight to see. Luckily, they had plans to remove the bushes, so I didn’t feel like too much of a shit for killing them.

Poor Bushes. They never saw it coming.